SELF-TIMER DIARY 02

Outfits and notes from the last two weeks

Tuesday, October 14th

I met Kaia and Monica at Cafe Himalaya after work. I was too tired to mind what we ate so I let them decide. #9, #16, #27, and #41—avocado salad, sautéed noodles with fresh vegetables & tofu, panfried chicken dumplings and traditional Tibetan spicy beef sautéed with ginger, garlic, onion and bell peppers. 1 Goose Island IPA, 1 Stella, and 1 glass of Merlot.

Thursday, October 23rd

I was sick all week. I laid in bed and finished Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier and watched Alfred Hitchcock’s adaptation one night in the evening. I tried to read Rebecca once before when I lived in Seattle. I had the apartment to myself for the night and I took myself to Serafina in Eastlake for dinner because we lived above it and I adored the swiftness of running downstairs for dinner. I had this idea that I’d treat myself to a bowl of pasta and read my Rebecca while I waited for my meal but my entire Negroni went to my head and all the words flickered in and out of focus until I gave up and stared at the wall and forgot to try again. I absolutely loved the novel and thought the movie dragged on.

I spent the remainder of my illness watching Pretty Little Liars and eating popsicles that tasted like peach rings.

THE DETAILS: Valerie Stevens Cashmere Cardigan, Sisters of Mercy T-Shirt, 1980s Chanel Pleated Skirt, Baby blue tights from Los Angeles Apparel, Chanel Mary Janes and Marni Bag

Friday, October 24th

I attended an academic workshop for an unpublished manuscript today and even though I read the chapter thoroughly and prepared my notes meticulously, I found myself unable to raise my hand to say anything. I’ve been caught up in a cycle of destructive thoughts about my own intelligence recently. I looked around the room and saw Professors and 5th year PhD students and thought about the credentials that make people listen to them like an authority and considered what makes someone believe their contributions are valuable.

We went to the bar afterwards and the woman whose unpublished manuscript it was asked me what my intellectual interests are and I did a terrible job explaining them to her. Not because I don’t have them but because I’m uncertain about their validity. A part of me believes I can protect myself from finding out the truth by not being vulnerable. (I’m horrified to even admit this)

I woke up in a panic four hours after I had fallen asleep thinking about the workshop and the subsequent beer. I turned over each word like a stone in the palm of my hand until I was gasping for air. I read Hideous Kinky by Esther Freud until the hollow in my chest shrunk and I was asleep again.

THE DETAILS: Vintage hair bow, Laura Ashley blouse, Moschino Cheap and Chic Blazer, Issey Miyake Pleats Please, Chanel Mary Janes

Saturday, October 25th

I voted for Zohran Mamdani today.

Sunday, October 26th

I just saw MakeupbyMandy24 on TikTok and I remembered that when I was 14 I had a dream she wouldn’t let me borrow her Brandy Melville halter top because “I’d stretch it out” and I still haven’t forgiven her.

THE DETAILS: Chloë Sevigny x Opening Ceremony Tee Shirt, vintage Chanel trousers, Maison Margiela tabis, thrifted sweater, Marni bag

Monday, October 27th

Two summers ago I sat in Prospect Park and spoke to a dancer about the disappointment of dedicating your life to something that, in the end, doesn’t work out. As I twisted blades of grass between my fingers, I told her I understood the disappointment. She asked me what I believed I would be and for reasons I didn’t understand until this morning, I said I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I was struck instantly by the peculiarity of this response. I did want to be a writer even though I had never admitted it but I had not always wanted to be a writer. I have never always wanted to be anything.

As I walked to work this morning I realized that the disappointment I was referring to was about the loss of my belief in myself and that I’ve been quietly mourning the naive unwavering belief I used to have in myself without even realizing it.

THE DETAILS: 1940s felt hat, Marc Jacobs Polka dot coat, Comme des Garçons TAO top, black silk Anne Taylor trousers, and Prada mary janes

Thursday, October 30th

I finished Hideous Kinky by Esther Freud last weekend and loved it. Esther Freud is the younger sister of Bella Freud, the host of Fashion Neurosis (great podcast) and designer of the best sweaters ever. They are both great-granddaughters of Sigmund Freud and children of the artist Lucian Freud (of whom he had many). The novel is semi-autobiographical and told from the perspective of five-year-old narrator Lucy about a trip to Morocco with her older sister Bea and her hippie mother. Morocco is one of those locations that is rich enough to not demand much of a plot, but it’s also a remarkable book for being told from a child’s perspective and being completely captivating.

After Hideous Kinky, I immediately started Bonjour Tristesse by Françoise Sagan. I have almost no approach to how I choose books to read, nor do I ever have a list of things I want to read. I just pick something at random. This is all to say I didn’t know a thing about Bonjour Tristesse before I started, except that Françoise Sagan was eighteen when she published it, which is actually difficult to believe. The book follows seventeen-year-old Cécile as she joins her father for a two-month summer vacation at a French villa. When I read a coming-of-age novel, I didn’t expect to read anything as honest or unsettling as this.

Saturday, November 1st

Monica, Kate, and I met at Los Angeles Apparel at 12:30. I sat on the couch outside the dressing room while they tried things on and read two interviews in Sex magazines—one with Andrew Callaghan and one with Sotce. They played The xx which made me feel crazy in a good way because I was the perfect type of post-Halloween silly hungover. We all bought tee shirts and were given free ill fitting sweatshorts. Kaia joined us when she was ready and we walked around until I had to be home for dinner.

XOXO

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CLOSET SALE on 11/4!

• I’m hosting a closet sale on Instagram (@sophdowl) on November 4th at 7:00 pm. 15% discount if you voted in your local election. :-) Lots of good designer & vintage!

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